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"73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
George Carlin
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"74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?"
George Carlin
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"63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
George Carlin
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"75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."
George Carlin
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"76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself."
George Carlin
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"77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
George Carlin
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"78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends."
George Carlin
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"79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat."
George Carlin
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"80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
George Carlin
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"81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
George Carlin
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"82. “No comment” is a comment."
George Carlin
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"92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!"
George Carlin
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"101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."
George Carlin
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"100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
George Carlin
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"99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer."
George Carlin
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"98. Life is a zero sum game."
George Carlin
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"97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
George Carlin
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"96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
George Carlin
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"95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."
George Carlin
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"94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff."
George Carlin
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"93. Hooray for most things!"
George Carlin
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"85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying."
George Carlin
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"87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
George Carlin
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"86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been."
George Carlin
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"88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?"
George Carlin
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