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Results Returned: 74
The following quotes appear under the "Funny" category:
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"If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum"
George Muncaster (Air Force Wisdom)
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"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."
Robert Frost
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"You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears."
Geri Jewell
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"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
Erma Bombeck
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"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
Bill Vaughan
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"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."
Unknown
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"Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have."
Unknown
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"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
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"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner
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"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
Woody Allen
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"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
Albert Einstein
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"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."
Unknown
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"People who never get carried away should be."
Malcolm Forbes
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"When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken"
Unknown
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"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
Noelie Altito
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"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
Nancy Reagan, former First Lady
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"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"I just thought of something funny...your mother."
Cheech Marin
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"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
Ken Dodd
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"One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear"
J.B. Morton
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"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil"
Paul Getty
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Smelly "It smells like Bigfoot's dick."
StellaLunatik -- Fark (July 31, 2009)
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"work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively"
from Bash.org -- Bash.org
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Good Point "A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.""
Unknown
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"
Tom Clancy
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