Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

History is full of stories, rants, perspectives, truths, lies, facts, details, opinions, ordinances, etc. The stories told by the men and women who were there, as well as by those who were not, and their comments, are items for display in the archives of humankind. Visit the museum and contribute.

"28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

George Carlin

  Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

  

"85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"93. Hooray for most things!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"98. Life is a zero sum game."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"

Tom Clancy

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Steve Martin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Miscellany

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

Matt Barry

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

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"A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.""

Unknown

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2006-08-23
Category: Funny

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