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"34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
George Carlin
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"35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
George Carlin
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"36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."
George Carlin
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"37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."
George Carlin
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"38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."
George Carlin
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"39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook."
George Carlin
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"40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
George Carlin
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"41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."
George Carlin
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"42. So I say, Live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family."
George Carlin
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"43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."
George Carlin
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"44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"
George Carlin
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"45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
George Carlin
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"46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."
George Carlin
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"47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."
George Carlin
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"48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."
George Carlin
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"49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade."
George Carlin
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"50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired."
George Carlin
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"51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
George Carlin
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"52. What year did Jesus think it was?"
George Carlin
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"53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
George Carlin
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"55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."
George Carlin
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"56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."
George Carlin
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"57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
George Carlin
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"58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it."
George Carlin
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"59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here."
George Carlin
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