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"60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash."
George Carlin
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"61. The future will soon be a thing of the past."
George Carlin
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"62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
George Carlin
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"63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
George Carlin
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"64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey."
George Carlin
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"65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
George Carlin
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"66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences."
George Carlin
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"67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes."
George Carlin
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"68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!"
George Carlin
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"69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."
George Carlin
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"70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”"
George Carlin
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"71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
George Carlin
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"72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole."
George Carlin
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"73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
George Carlin
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"74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?"
George Carlin
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"75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."
George Carlin
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"76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself."
George Carlin
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"77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
George Carlin
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"78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends."
George Carlin
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"79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat."
George Carlin
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"80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
George Carlin
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"81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
George Carlin
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"82. “No comment” is a comment."
George Carlin
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"83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."
George Carlin
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"84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob."
George Carlin
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