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Results Returned: 100
The following quotes appear under the "George Carlin Top 101 Jokes" category:
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"26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
George Carlin
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"27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."
George Carlin
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"28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
George Carlin
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"29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party."
George Carlin
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"30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."
George Carlin
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"31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
George Carlin
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"32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"
George Carlin
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"33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"
George Carlin
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"34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
George Carlin
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"35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
George Carlin
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"36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."
George Carlin
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"37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."
George Carlin
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"38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."
George Carlin
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"39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook."
George Carlin
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"40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
George Carlin
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"41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."
George Carlin
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"42. So I say, Live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family."
George Carlin
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"43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."
George Carlin
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"44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"
George Carlin
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"45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
George Carlin
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"46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."
George Carlin
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"47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."
George Carlin
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"48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."
George Carlin
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"49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade."
George Carlin
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"50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired."
George Carlin
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