What He Says / What He Means


Linda asked me to put this on the site.

** "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

** "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

** "Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

** "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

** "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

** "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

** "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

** "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"

** "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I\'m doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

** "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

** "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

** "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." ** "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

#1 Male Rules


My sister sent this to me today. Thought you guys would get a chuckle out of this. Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear \"the rules\" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! *Please note ... these are all numbered \"1\" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You\'re a big girl. If it\'s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don\'t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = Sports. It\'s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That\'s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won\'t dress like the Victoria\'s Secret girls, don\'t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you\'re fat, you probably are. Don\'t ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say \"nothing,\" we will act like nothing\'s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don\'t want us to answer, expect an answer you don\'t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really. 1. Don\'t ask us what we\'re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don\'t mind that, it\'s like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -- to give them a laugh! Pass this to as many women as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh!!

Do you know me?


Do you know me?
This is my school picture from 1976. Nice huh? What do you like more the cool silk shirt? The haircut my mom gave me? Or is it that god awful neck chain? (Click on the picture to see it full sized)

Do you know my wife or someone in my family?

I think about places I have lived and people I knew when I was a kid. I have pictures of people that I remember hanging around when I was a kid but I can't remember all of their names. I have also worked with some great people starting back in high school at Target and Pizza Inn. After high school, installing fire alarms, then as a construction contractor and finally at FERA Corp and RC Data Systems.

I have lived in Atlanta, Georgia; Greenville, Mississippi; Chesterfield, Missouri (just west of St. Louis) and Spring, Texas (just north of Houston). Have you lived in any of these places?

Maybe you were in Boy Scout Troop 801 with me and my brother Jeff or we went to school together at Matty Akin (now Akin Elementary), Lucy Web, Clayton Woods, Parkway West, Strack or Klein High. Maybe you are an old girlfriend like Andrea Ward from 5th grade or someone who I used to run track with, or we played football or soccer together. Maybe you are looking for one of my sisters (sorry guys, they are married now). Just register and send me an email

Last year I found some old tapes that I made when I was living in Chesterfield, Mo. Me and my buddy Troy were in 5th grade and he had a tape recorder so we would act like we were reporters interviewing famous people. We would ask stupid questions and then play a clip from a song on the radio that kind of fit as the answer. After listening to some of those I wondered what ever happened to Troy. He had gone to stay with his father in New Mexico for a while when my family moved to Houston. I started looking for him last year by doing Google searches for his full name and found several possibilities but thought it probably wasn't him because this guy was the president of this big ecommerce software company in California. I kept looking and eventually found a Troy who I thought might be him in Google groups. It was a 4 or 5 year old message but the email address was still good and it was him. It turns out that he really was the president of that company. We traded a few emails and while on a layover in Houston I met him at the airport for about 45 minutes. It was great seeing him after all of these years and it turns out we still had a lot in common. We both like cycling. We even got into the same kind of trouble during high school.

I hope someone finds me

What goes around will be healed with Penicillin.


I found this while roaming around the internet. I am not sure if it is true so read it with a grain of salt and let me know if you can prove its validity one way or the other.

There was a fellow named Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.

One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.

And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time?

Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
 

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Daily Quote

"101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2007-05-13
Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

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