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"21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

George Carlin

  Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

Results Returned:  100

The following quotes appear under the "George Carlin Top 101 Jokes" category:

"77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"82. “No comment” is a comment."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"93. Hooray for most things!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"98. Life is a zero sum game."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

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"Killing is stupid; useless!"

Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2013-11-20
Category: Star Trek

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