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"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

  Category: Funny

Results Returned:  100

The following quotes appear under the "George Carlin Top 101 Jokes" category:

"51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"52. What year did Jesus think it was?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"61. The future will soon be a thing of the past."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

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"One thing's for sure: we're all going to be a lot thinner."

Han Solo

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2004-11-03
Category: Star Wars

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