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"I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise."

Captian James T. Kirk

  Category: Star Trek

Results Returned:  100

The following quotes appear under the "George Carlin Top 101 Jokes" category:

"26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"42. So I say, Live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

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"Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say, “Today I will be brilliant.”"

Captian James T. Kirk

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2013-11-20
Category: Star Trek

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