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"72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole."

George Carlin

  Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

Results Returned:  100

The following quotes appear under the "George Carlin Top 101 Jokes" category:

"1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”"

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

"25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball."

George Carlin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2007-05-13   Category: George Carlin Top 101 Jokes

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"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'"

Unknown

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2005-02-25
Category: Cowboy Wisdom

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