Quote of the Day

Search the Daily Quote Database

You may search our entire quotation repository using this form. Restricting your search to various categories or by date will often speed up your search and return a more pertinent result set.




     (Date Format YYYY-MM-DD)



     

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."

Steven Wright

  Category: Funny

Results Returned:  74

The following quotes appear under the "Funny" category:

"People who never get carried away should be."

Malcolm Forbes

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken"

Unknown

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."

Noelie Altito

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."

Nancy Reagan, former First Lady

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."

Rodney Dangerfield

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"I just thought of something funny...your mother."

Cheech Marin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

Ken Dodd

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear"

J.B. Morton

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil"

Paul Getty

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2004-11-11   Category: Funny

Smelly

"It smells like Bigfoot's dick."

StellaLunatik -- Fark  (July 31, 2009)

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2009-07-31   Category: Funny

"work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively"

from Bash.org -- Bash.org

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2005-06-30   Category: Funny

Good Point

"A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.""

Unknown

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-23   Category: Funny

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"

Tom Clancy

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Steve Martin

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

Matt Barry

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

Sharon Stone

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

Roseanne

Submitted by: gtgillis /  2006-08-25   Category: Funny

Daily Quote
Listings (456)
Categories (11)
Search Quotes
Add a Quote
Random Image
0022-09.jpg
Daily Quote

"Appearances to the mind are of four kinds. Things either are what they appear to be; or they neither are, nor appear to be; or they are, and do not appear to be; or they are not, and yet appear to be. Rightly to aim in all these cases is the wise man’s task."

Epictetus

Submitted by: gtgillis / 2004-11-03
Category: Miscellany

Upcoming Events
There are no upcoming events